A ‘manly pep talk’ from Boris Johnson would make anyone leave Britain

I have not always felt great sympathy for Prince Harry. The dramatic departure from home; the tell-all interview with Oprah; and the commercialisation of his royal status. All have made it harder to feel for a guy who has been through some terrible times, and whose marriage has put him at odds with his family in a way that is genuinely saddening.
However, the news that Harry was forced to endure a “manly pep talk” from Boris Johnson at the peak of the crisis that ultimately led him to quit Britain has removed any sense of conflict. I now stand with the Duke of Sussex, beyond question.
Unusually, the revelation of this meeting has not come from the chatty prince, but rather from the former prime minister – the latter presumably hoping his memoir might get even vaguely close to Harry’s Spare in terms of sales figures.
According to the oh-so-discreet former inhabitant of 10 Downing Street, it was suggested that he try to persuade Harry not to leave Britain for a new life across the pond (though the palace has since denied that they asked the former PM to take on the task). He duly gave it his best shot during a meeting on the sidelines of a UK-Africa investment summit in January 2020. So lovely and personal.
The only reasonable conclusion to draw from this extraordinary encounter is that Harry was wavering, but that somebody clearly wanted him gone. Because really, who better to inadvertently make people want to leave Britain than one Boris Johnson? If they’d really wanted him to stay, much better to have tried someone sensitive and understanding – Mr Blobby perhaps, or an American bully XL.
BoJo himself says the task was “hopeless”, but you can just imagine how he might have fancied himself as the hero of the hour – how he thought a fatherly arm around the shoulders might have made Harry well up, as he looked into the eyes of a lying, philandering, bombastic figure of the establishment and whispered to himself: “England, my England.”
Nevertheless, it is plain that, if Harry might have been for turning, Boris’s words of wisdom – primarily, it seems, about Harry being such an asset to “UK plc”, rather than anything more compassionate – were not enough. The man who conned just over half the country into thinking Britain was better off alone could not convince a disgruntled prince that the nation of his birth was worth sticking around in.
But let’s just imagine for a moment that Boris had been more successful, somehow finding some apposite words, instead of a load of cobblers. With Covid on the near horizon, Harry might have realised that a royal family row was not in the country’s interests. He might have left the meeting, headed straight back to the palace for a heart to heart with his brother and father, and found a way to clear the air, and to achieve a less formal life without having to move to California.
But Harry would have had to extract a price. And what better for Britain than to have persuaded the PM that if anyone was to leave these shores, it should be him. After all, a month later Boris announced his engagement to Carrie Symonds and the impending birth of their child. What better than to have started afresh with his new family in North America (the place of Johnson’s birth).
We’d have avoided lockdown parties, controversy over Carrie’s Downing Street redecoration, and the general descent of our government into scandal and infighting. Perhaps we’d have even swerved a Liz Truss premiership and economic meltdown.
All in all, it would have been better for Britain to have hung onto the Spare. And even better, had we managed to lose BoJo, a spare part if ever there was one.